I went to my local library yesterday, and asked: “Have you got a book on handling rejection without killing?”. the irony bit had me pissin myself. It's called Man or Myth." "I quit my job at the helium gas factory. dang. Here is Stewart Francis with his brilliant one liners. this is him appearing on British television (ITV) on the show for one night only. We’ll see about that.” – Stewart Francis. I had an unemployed dwarf do a bit of casual work for me; he asked to be paid under the table. 13. Stewart Francis Stand Up Jokes "My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. He done the exact same thing on mock the week. (adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer. "I quit my job at the helium gas factory. At first I was afraid, oh I was petrified. "Receiving oral sex from an ugly person is like rock climbing; you should never look down." “I have the world’s largest collection of seashells, you may have seen it, I keep it scattered on beaches all over.” – Unknown lol, how thick and slow are the audience, there not laughing nearly as loud or as long as i would have. I just don't have it in me. I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; it was riveting. I had an unemployed dwarf do a bit of casual work for me; he asked to be paid under the table. “The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” – Demetri Martin. So dad, if you're up there...." We'll see about that." I went to my local library yesterday, and asked: "Have you got a book on handling rejection without killing?" So dad, if you're up there...." I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat'.... you probably saw our posters. "I have a girlfriend, I've been going out with my girlfriend for........sex!" now = new Date(); year = now.getYear(); Although other people now will rant on and say it’s not. Please log in again. how slow is this audience? You can almost hear the cogs turning. I quit my job at the helium gas factory – I didn’t like being spoken to in that voice. but now I can talk about it…, I wrote a book about a transsexual with a speech impediment; it's called. Youtube video, Non verbal hypnosis – Hypnotizing someone that speaks a different language. We have a beautiful little girl who we named after my mom; in fact Passive Aggressive Psycho turns five tomorrow. Ooooh touchy. Hahahha. The Master of Persuasion - Muneer is a hypnotist, marketer and ex door to door salesman. So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial-a-lama. My fairy Godmother once asked me if I’d rather have a long penis or a long memory… I forget what my answer was. He is so crap its so funny tho haha. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man! Yeah cheers for that one chopstick! Here are 50 more amazing dad quotes for Father’s Day. "We have a beautiful little girl who we named after my mom, in fact Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 5 tomorrow", © I realized that the other day inside my fort.” – Zach Galifianakis "I dedicate this show to my dad who was a roofer. 12. I quit my job at the helium gas factory; I refuse to be spoken to in that tone. I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; it was riveting. omfg. Some people say Birmingham looks great in the summer. But what if dolphins don't want to swim with retarded children? if (year<1900) {year+=1900} document.write(year); Jokes4us.com Privacy Policy. "I want to donate a large amount of money to a rape clinic and I won't take no for an answer." I used to have a job as a pantomime horse, but quit while I was a head. "My dad has a wierd hobby he collects empty bottles, which sounds so much better than alcoholic" My teacher used to say I wasn't very observant… to be honest, that was her opinion. lol the fact that the churchill joke got the biggest laugh perfectly displays the demographic of this audience! Yeah pal, you’re about as witty as the person you’re replying to. NOTE: Not all the jokes are from mock the week, there are some but not alot compared to this show, Awards (The Best Ones) 13th – 14th Oct 08 #72 – Most Discussed (Today) – Comedy #40 – Most Viewed (Today) – Comedy #85 – Most Viewed (Today) – Comedy – Ireland #35 – Top Favorited (Today) #15 – Top Favorited (Today) – Comedy …, Parody Video – Hitler Upset Because He Bet Brazil Would Win the World Cup. Lmao I just weed a little, he’s so funny! I reckon it looks better in the rear view mirror. "My wife and I have decided we don't want any children if anybody else does we can drop them off tomorrow" He has spoken in over 10 countries and writes about the principles of subconscious persuasion. Youtube video, Open session – What are you grateful for? I went to a Karaoke Bar last night that didn’t play any 70s music. I was going to join the debating team, but somebody talked me out of it. I went to my local library yesterday, and asked: “Have you got a book on handling rejection without killing?”. if other people like him fair enough. After logging in you can close it and return to this page. The login page will open in a new tab. "I dedicate this show to my dad who was a roofer. Here is Stewart Francis with his brilliant one liners. "My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. – Stewart Francis “The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.” – Jay Leno “I have a lot of growing up to do. I immediately got off his lap. Thanks pal, you obviously know me pal, mind your own buisness pal. "Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse… but enough about Kanye West.". BTW chopstick is funny! the richard and judy joke got the biggest laugh. My teacher said I’d do much better at school if I stopped flirting… I immediately got off his lap. I can tell by your not very witty remark that this is probably your level of comedy and now I am even more bored, as the audience is everytime this twat turns up. I didn't like being spoken to in that voice." "There are two types of people I hate .... racists and Norwegians." Stewart Francis Stand Up Jokes I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat'.... you probably saw our posters. My uncle was crushed by a piano; his funeral was very low key. I used to be a mime…. “My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. People say I have the legs of a dancer. Try these funny Father's Day quotes by the likes of Jon Stewart, Bob Odenkirk, Mark Twain, and more. Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave. One guy calls you pal, and you get a little weird about it…, If you cant at least giggle to one of his jokes mate your as useless to humor as a drum Kit was to Anne Frank! Did I already tell you my Alzheimer’s joke? Ridiculous stereotypes often make people very ignorant towards other nationalities. I know it’s often been said that money won’t make you happy and this is undeniably true, but everything else being equal, it’s a lovely thing to have around the house. this is him appearing on British television (ITV) on the show for one night only. "Don't Worry I haven't heard of you either!" I think the audience took too long at times to get the jokes, which gave an akward feeling to the performance, but I enjoyed it all the same. "My girlfriend say's that I'm afraid of committment....well she's not my girlfriend...more a wife" Here are a few of his famous one-liners: I’m a very proud Canadian who is very proud of the educational system in Canadia… Did I already tell you my Alzheimer’s joke? The Making of Arabites – The Most Unproductive Meeting Ever! With friends like this who needs enemies! We'll see about that." For example, I’m in good shape, intelligent, and I don’t have sex with my cousins, and yet still people assume I’m American. I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up. My sister has just married a Chinese billionaire… Cha Ching! ... —Stewart Francis. When I was younger, I really wanted a skateboard but my parents couldn't afford one; so one morning, I woke up early and went to the garage, I got some wood and some nails… and beat my parents to death. Muneer Al Busaidi’s Personal Meeting Room Youtube video, Understanding your communication starting point Youtube video, How to whitelist emails in a Gmail Account Youtube video, How Important Is Confidence? "I wrote a book about a transsexual with a speech impediment. I was going to join the debating team, but somebody talked me out of it. Get A LIFE. not laughing out loud but highly amusing and intelligent. Jesus I only remarked that I found this sort of humour boring. All I had to my name were some letters and all I had in my pocket was a broken compass; I didn’t know which way to turn. I think women who think size doesn't matter are shallow. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? I’m a very proud Canadian who is very proud of the educational system in Canadia….
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